tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 25, 2013 9:35am-10:11am PST
>> stephen: welcome, welcome, welcome one and all! my friends, my true friends. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! welcome to the report. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. oh, ladies and gentlemen, after a greeting like that i just want to blow your bagpipe. (laughter) folks, i hope you know that when it comes to sexual equality in the workplace i take a backseat to no one except my driver pablo. okay. he's a guy, because if you have seen how women parallel park, huh-uh. but today, folks, i believe that we as a nation crossed an imaginary line that is suddenly all too real. "the colbert report"'s someone on msnbc has more.
>> we're watching the senate floor where they just passed the employment nondiscrimination act which provides workplace protection for the lgbt community. >> stephen: you hear that workplace community for the lgbt community. they want to make it illegal for an employer to discriminate against lesbia lesbian-- gays-- (laughter) batman and-- i know this one, i know one, tartar sauce, yes. well, those into the tartar sauce lifestyle. now luckily this enda bill applies only to companies with 15 or more employees so you're safe for now 14 bigots moving and storage. (laughter) now folks, if you think, if you are's saying to yourself oh t won't affect my workplace, folks you're dead wrong. as the american family association warns, rest rooms and locker rooms could
become landmines for disputes and disturbances. an anatomically male employee who claims a female gender identity might be able to demand access to the women's rest room. now folks it's already started here in new york city.x6 this is true, an all gender rest room symbol. look at this you got a guy, you got a girl, the next one over there is already sporting a boner and-- (laughter) and the one on this end is in some sort of crazy sex swing. no way i could pee in there. i would get stage fright. now folks it is a nightmare for employers. as the family research council counsels, enda would force religious business owners and workplaces such as christian book stores to accept as normal transvestite and drag queens. oh yeah. it is well-known that bette did letter over here is just doing those cab a receipt act until she lands her dream act of figurines of
jesus playing baseball. today it is transgender. tomorrow the government will tell me i can't fire a mermaid. i'm sorry, excuse me, a hermafrotrout. no matter what it cost knees make her cubicle watertight. that is why before enda takes effect i'm getting rid of everyone on my staff who doesn't share my personal sexual preferences. and not just the lgbhgtvlmnop crowd, okay. if are you not a premium member of tall women carrying heavy things.com, we don't need your kind around here. nation, you know i loves me the super bowl. it is the stanley cup of sports people actually watch. but lately there has been much controversy in the great game of football. for more this is the sport report.
nation-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, i cannot begin to tell you how much of our childhood was spent on the gridiron because i have no recollection, should have worn a helmet. and my favorite nfl team is always been the washington redskins. but my team is facing some unnecessary roughness from the pc police. >> will the washington redskins be forced to change its name. at a meeting earlier this week leaders there the united indian nation asked the nfl to sanction team owner daniel snyder for continuing to use what they call a racial slur. >> for us, the r word is the "n" word. >> wrong. it's if the r word was the "n" word i wouldn't be able to say it on the air, watch this, redskin redskin redskin. see? (laughter) totally fine. now let me try that with the n word.
n -- ♪ ♪ ♪ okay, so sign here, and sign here, there, i'm sorry, apologize, no, i wrote the "n" word again, apologize. there you go. there you go. all right, thank you, thank you. anyway, redskins team owner dan snyder has defended keeping the name by citing a recent ap poll that found that 79% of americans are in favor of keeping the name. 21% want the redskins to change it but i bet those are the same people who want to change the name of potato skins for offending the irish. but folks, in an open letter to fans snyder explained i was born a fan of the washington redskins. that tradition, the song, the cheer, it matters so much to me as a child. it isn't just where we came from, it's who we are. yes, our past is who we are,
we redskin fans are prone to this land since 19-- 33. now strangers threaten our sacred ground where we feast on the food of our ancestors, the $14 hot dog. and don our ceremonial dress, wigs and rubber pig noses that symbolize our proud tradition of, i don't actually know why we do that. but folks, this tradition is being attacked and it's not the only thing turning this brain scrambling game ugly. >> the miami dolphins have indefinitely suspended a player over accusations of bullying. the dolphins announced that the offensive guard richie incognito suspension shortly before midnight last night. jonathan martin left the team last week after an incident in the lunchroom where teammate its reportedly got up and left the table as soon as he sat down. >> i bet they also made fun of him for wearing clothes with dolphins on them. (laughter) so i would like to extend
the report's deepest sympathyes to the victim, richie incognito. if only he had a way to hide his identity right now. i mean ever since this story broke, folks, incog nilt owe has been pushed around by the kindness cabal just because he left martin this voice-mail. >> hey, wazup you half n word piece of blank. you been training ten week, i'll blank in your blank mouth. i'm going to slap your real mother across the face, blank you. you're still a rookie. i'll kill you. >> stephen: personally, i think it's nice he picked up the phone. (laughter) too many people these days just text their threats to crap in your mouth. now folks, i'm not the only one protecting richie's blindside. he's also got the support of fox news analyst and star of the problem child movie dr. carl's carlson, jim? >> look,ñi i'm in total sympathy with anybody snubbed by anybody and against human cruelty and
against bullying. but it a little odd that the purpose of the game is to go out and kill people but you get in trouble for being rude to someone at lunch. >> stephen: he's right, football is about murdering people. you get six points per kill plus an extra point if they take their severed head through the upright. and there is also some nonsense about crossing a line and of what ever downs are but once people stop dying that's when i go recheese my nachos. folks, dr. carlson understands this gets to a deeper problem in our society. and by the way, let's be honest, this bullying thing, it is a fad, just like self-esteem, just like, you know, low cash diets or whatever t is mass hysteria, we're all worried about bullying. >> stephen: yeah, being worried about bullying is just a fad like poodle skirts or separate water fountains, get over it. what dow really when you think about t this isn't even bullying, it is really hazing. martin was a rookie and rookies have to pay their dues.
don't have to tell you i won two emmies this year. because i can just show you instead. (cheers and applause) so folks, not enough. there is still a hole in my heart the shape of another award. now it looks like i'm this much closer to filling it. jim? >> its nominees for favorite late night talk show host are conan o'brien. david letterman. jimmy fallon. jimmy kimmem. and stephen colbert. that's right! i'm nominated for a people's choice award. i have always wanted to win
a people's choice award ever since i heard they still existed. and now folks, my dream may come true. i may finally take home the coveted-- i want to say crystal vagina? i'm not sure what that is, nice, nice, whatever it is. folks, i love it. because this is the only award chosen by the people. finally a show that celebrates america's life of liking things. of course "the colbert report" is a team effort so really this nomination is for everyone on my staff who hosts the show. (laughter) and, and i've got some stiff competition. i respect all of these guys. may the best man win but as a journalist, i would be remiss not to tell you about their sordid past. for starters the jimmies are a personal friends of mine. but did you know that neither of them is really
named jimmy? both of them were born james, uh-huh. what else are they lying to you about? and there is no greater fan of david letterman that yours truly but he kills ducks in the park with a tack hammer. (laughter) allegedly, allegedly. i have no proof of that. good luck, dave. and conan o'brien may be a great guy but he's no fan of people. does he employ a masturbatting human? no, not since max weinberg left. whereas i, i stephen colbert live solely to entertain the people. (cheers and applause) now folks, you say stephen, i'm a people, how do i choice. well, for the 2014 addrd was, folk, the american academy of peopling is allowing to you cast your votes through
the people's choice web site, their iphone app or via social media like facebook or twitter which makes them #relevant. and they say there is very important, you can vote as often as you like and encourage your friends to vote too. hmmmm, i wonder if i have any friends i can encourage to vote for me? (cheers and applause) you ready to do this, nation? oh, go to people's choice.com and vote for me in the category of favorite late night talk show host. voting ends december 5th but please do not vote more than 6 billion times. that might seem suspicious. we'll be right back. %9ú!##úb
lieberman. (cheers and applause) hey, good to see you, how are you, nice to see you again, daniel. all right. you have been on the show before, talked about barefoot run last time. >> yes. >> it is getting cold, i prefer to wear socks when it is cold. i'm just getting old and the older you get the more a crave warmth. >> stephen: that's one of the things that mod hirnl does that old humans didn't do, we get old, right. that's one of the advantages we have over them, we can just, in a fight we can just outlast them. >> that's true. >> what is interesting is the hunters gatherers, nasty miserable lives. >> stephen: they did. >> well, actually, the hunter gatherers if they survived childhood they had pretty high childhood mortality rates but if they survived they lived to their 60s, 70s and 80s and were extraordinarily healthy as
far as we could tell. they had heart disease. they didn't have type ii diabetes. osteoporosis. we've got them all. >> stephen: we got that on them. >> yeah. >> stephen: they only had one type of diabetes. >> they never needed obamacare. yeah, because they, you know what, they lived pretty long and very healthy lives. and although they did get sick, they didn't get the kind of chronic noninfectious diseases that we get today. >> stephen: well, everything you are saying, i don't have to tell you but everything are you saying is in your new book the story of the human body, evolution, health and disease. is our body, are our bodies changing now. >> absolutely. >> stephen: because, you know, i thought evolution was survival of the fittest. >> well, to some extent it is, yes. so evolution is, occurs in multiple ways. one kind of evolution is that, natural selection what darwin wrote about, there is variation, some of the variations like you probably look a bit like your parents i imagine because you inherited genes from them. and then lots of siblings,
some of you inherited different genes from your parents than other ones and some had more kids than others. and those of you who had genes that benefitted you in terms of having more offspring, are you going to pass those genes on preferentialally to the next generation so, that is natural selection. >> stephen: if you accept natural selection. >> exactly. >> stephen: because it is the theory of evolution and a assume that this book is on the pro theory side. >> absolutely. >> stephen: okay. a lot of books are against it, this is one-on-one side there are a lot againstxd it. >> at least i'm on the same side as the pope so it's okay. but anyway-- . >> stephen: you're not going to win any points by talking about the pope with me, okay, that guy is also pro poor, but go ahead. >> there is another kind of evolution. it's cultural evolution. so our culturesçó change too. like for example you know, if you had been giving there show in the 17th or 18th century you would be wearing a really fantastic wig. >> stephen: i would be burned as a witch because tv didn't exist back then. >> exactly and spending a lot of money on that powder
and that kind of stuff. but we grew beyond that we no longer wear wigs, other things in our culture constantly changed. >> stephen: gay marriage. >> gay marriage, exactly. all kinds of things are changeçó and those changes affect our bodies, some of them, gay marriage obviously affects our bodies. >> stephen: obviously. ever since gay marriage is legal i keep gaining weight. >> it's like sugar. >> stephen: it is. transfat wa, about our diet, our diet has changed. >> he nor losely. incredibly since industrialization, so the first big shift in our diet was really agriculture revolution so, we started growing food. >> stephen: what are we talking about, 1960s? >> well, it started about 600 generations ago so. >> stephen: what is that, 1940s. >> 1940s, 10,000 years before that. >> stephen: 10,000 years ago we started growing corn. >> well, yes, in the middle east you started growing barley and wheat in china rice and in the near east, in messo america we started growing corn but that is only 6-generations ago that
is the number of generations of mise that have lived in my basement in the last 100 years. >> stephen: wow, you got a problem. >> actually, we do. and i'm constantly out there with my mouse traps. but anyway, but what has happened is that that is actually not thatch time. we've he volume ofed since then. there have been adaptation, for example when my ancestors and maybe your ancestors adaptions to drink milk, so that is a natural selection. but-- . >> stephen: they got that heat vision. >> yes, wouldn't that be cool. but the other side of the coin is that there is a lot of changes that we have had that which we haven't adapted for. and so we get what we call mismatch disease, diseases in which our bodies are inadequately adapted to the mad earn world and sugar is one of the biggest ones. we cannot handle foods that have a lot of sugar. >> stephen: but evolution arily, don't we crave sugar, isn't that the reason why it tastes so great to us. >> right.
>> stephen: is evolution killing us? >> in a way, in a way it's because of evolution that we crave sugar because sugar is full of energy. and if you are a hunter gathererer you are barely surviving it is great to want as much sugar as you can, hunters love honey, they will eat as much as they can but they don't get that much. most of the food is a about as sweet as a carrot. >> stephen: what about transfats, did they have that. >> they don't have transfats as you know. >> stephen: i did not know, i wouldn't have asked. >> transfats were invented very recently and our bodies cannot handle them. just lying sugar. >> stephen: they are illegal in new york, like new york city they can't have transfats. >> good for new york. it was the right thing to do. >> stephen: isn't that anti-evolutionary because if we don't eat the transfat we won't know who can survive eating transfat to pass that evolutionary advantage on to our children, then we would have a superrace that can eat transfat. fanned we can survive transfats, nothing can kill us.
>> the only way that your experiment will work, if you ever get approval for it which doubt, is, is if eating transfats affected your ability to have offspring because all natural selection cares about is how many offspring. and most of the disease you get from transfats don't hit you until you are a grandparent. >> stephen: if we took away the things that were caution me to be sick from being old how much older could i live. because i would like to live forever. >> we haven't figured that one out yet but maybe scientists in white lab coats will do that but i think that is unlikely. >> stephen: would you like to live longer. >> yeah, probably. >> stephen: how long would you like to live. >> i would think 92. that's perfect, yeah. >> stephen: i would like that too. now i want to live 93, to beatñr you. thank you some of for joining me. (cheers and applause) >> daniel, the sto
>> s that it for the report, everybody, don't forget to vote for the people's choice captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [♪] hey, man. my name is jeff. i'm trying to lock down my schedule before the deadline. i heard this class was a cakewalk. are you passing it? do you like dane cook? yeah, he's awesome. [whispers] so far so good. death, so called, is a thing that makes men weep, and yet a third of life is spent in sleep. open your text books to page 37.
now, close them and throw them away. throw it away. ha-ha-ha! throw it away. for those who are new, the motto of this class, carpe diem, seize the day, no tests, no papers. you want an a? live in the moment. jackpot. take off your shoes. quick, take off your shoes. everyone, take your shoes off, throw them away. throw them across the room, over there. today we learn to walk. get up and walk out the door. this day could be your last. you could die in your sleep. you could get hit by a bus. you--that mole is raised and dark, it's not a good combo. you are new. yes, i'm new. but i'll be old too soon. carpe diem, sir, carpe diem. ha-ha-ha! i like it! voice command. [cell phone beeps] voice command. [cell phone beeps] voice command. [beeps] voice command.
voice command. [beeps] [clears throat] voice comm-- [beeps] would you please use the buttons? okay, grandpa. [in high-pitched voice] achoo! oh. god bless you, dear. [both giggle] what's so funny? you guys, i found it. the ultimate blow-off class. professor whitman, he thinks he's in dead poets society. there's no tests, there's no work, it's just day seizing. the deadline to enroll is tomorrow. i suggest you all do it. well, some of us are here to actually learn things. i'm in. me too, it sounds educational. i'll do it. i love robin williams. abed? not a fan. in every movie, there's an authority figure that gets mad at him for making people laugh. no, are you going to take the class? oh, can't. my dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. it's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business. so your dad has your whole life planned out for you? are you even interested in falafel? i'm interested in making movies.